Effortless Living. The Power of Letting Go and Letting Life Happen

Discover how letting go and accepting life's flow can transform your life. Learn the power of non-resistance for a peaceful, effortless existence.

*This is the written version of 'its not you' podcast episode #50

You know the saying go with the flow? And you know how we resist going with the flow? Because we've quite literally been trained that to do so means we're lazy.

We've been programmed to believe that we only get what we want in life through sacrifice, hard work, pushing through and forcing ourselves to the brink. We're supposed to map out or schedule our every move, and every move after that.

All so we can maintain a semblance of certainty. And certainty is the illusion of control.

And most often we need to feel like we're in control - or to control our external, because we can't control our internal. Our mind, our thinking, our inner demon.

So as long as we have control of what's going on around us, that gives us some semblance of certainty.

But it's not real certainty. Because what happens then when your perfectly mapped-out plans get disrupted by something out of your control? How do you react then? Seriously.

Ask yourself, when things that are perfectly planned out get tossed on their head, how do you react? Now, if you can, imagine the difference between your, (I'm going to assume), irrational reaction.

Because I know me, and a lot of clients and friends who I've talked to - most often - well laid out, plans disrupted, equals irrational response. If that doesn't apply to you and you have a rational response, perfect.

But if it does apply to you, I'm going to share an example that will prove to you that:

Going with the flow is what actually makes you feel in control and what actually gives you the sense of certainty.

Last week, a couple friends and I went camping. There was three of us, so we went kayaking, which is exactly what we did last year.

And because the kayak only has two seats in it, we attached a blow up floaty, which looks like a bed. So we just hooked a rope through the, the back of the kayak and whoever was on the floaty would hold onto this rope and be pulled along.

Okay, so we did this last year a few times and it was absolutely beautiful. We all took turns on the floaty. Went without a hitch.
The other day we went, myself and my one friend were rowing. And my other friend was on the floaty.

We were paddling against the wind, so it was actually quite strenuous and great exercise.
The friend on the floaty had no idea how much we were struggling to get through the choppy waters.

Anyway, the point is, her ride was smooth and relaxing. So we get to our destination. A little island that we had found last year. and we had our picnic and did whatever, and we're coming back, and on the way back, I'm going on the floaty.

This time, though, the wind is at our back. So what happens is we get a bunch of waves coming in, and it's moving my floaty side by side. It's getting really rocky.

So I tried to straddle it, and that worked for a while, but then this, I don't even know, this other huge wave came in.

And the floaty capsized, put me under the water, and I came up, my sunglasses were, like, sideways on my face, and my life jacket was up around my mouth, and in an instant, I panicked.

My friend, who was the second one in the boat - closest to me -while she was as startled as I was, maintained complete control, was giving me the exact right directions and what to do next.

While she's doing that, I'm trying to grab the floaty and get back on, and she's telling me, let it go. You're not going to be able to get back on.

But I wasn't not listening in defiance, I really thought I could just get back on. It's not that big, right? So I'm fighting with this floaty against the water to get back on it, and of course, it didn't work.

So I let go of the floaty, hung on to the back of the kayak, and I just waded in the water as they rode me to shore. Where they dropped me off, and I walked back to our starting point.

After checking with each other that everybody's cool, nobody's hurt, and all that, those two said, "Of course, if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen to you."

Now, I don't know if you've listened to any other podcast episodes, but in a few of them, I share how if shit's gonna happen, it's gonna happen to me. And they just lived it.

Because we did this a few times last year, no problem. We already went the one way with the friend. No problem. My turn. Poof. All hell breaks loose. So there you go.
So I left there, or we left there with one more story to tell.

Because that's how I reframe shitty instances rather than wallow in them.
They just become a funny story to tell to hopefully encourage other people to not be so serious and make light of crappy situations. And they really are funny.

If you can look at them in that light, you can reduce your stress at least in half, if not more. I promise you.

Now let's go back to the incident, why it matters, and how it is applicable to the conversation of 'go with the flow.'

If you remember, I was saying, while I was in the water, I'm fighting against 'what is'. 'What is'- is the floaty capsized. I'm in the water, the waves are strong, and I'm now fighting with this floaty to get back on it.

And anybody with any sense would know you're not going to get back on it. But I was persistent and dogged about getting back on. And it was fighting me every step of the way.

So I eventually, of course, and at the behest of my friend, she just said, let it go and just float behind the boat.

This is going with the flow. And going with the flow led to a safe, easy ride back.

Everything was intact with no extra effort put in. My friends rowed like they rowed prior, and I hung on and I just went along for the ride.

That's how life is supposed to be.

We're supposed to take it as it comes and just move through it and not fight against what comes. When the waves are high and you get flipped off your boat, you're not supposed to try to get back on.

You can see there's turbulence, but you resist letting go of control. So you fight and fight to maintain control and keep things as you planned them.

But that isn't how life works, and that's what causes great strife in our life. Because we're unwilling to let go and go with the flow.

So whatever is presented to us, we need to breathe, take a step back and go, okay, this is happening. This is a situation I'm in.

And just ride that wave, no pun intended. Just go with the flow.

Your life will become easier. You'll be happier, you'll have fun, you'll become more resourceful, more likable, a better mom, a better person, a better spouse, a better employee.

You'll be better all around when you just go with the flow.

I mean, what's the alternative? Think about me having been flipped off the floaty. Trying to fight against the waves.

I'm fighting against trying to get back on this thing. And the more I fight, the more the waves are crashing in on me, the more the boat keeps bumping into me, putting me under the water.

It doesn't work.

The moment I decided to let it go, hang on to the back of the kayak, everything was smooth again. Even though I was still in choppy waters, everything went smoothly.

We've got to stop fighting against what life presents us and just go with the flow. I was exhausted after. And I was bruised, and I don't know how I got the bruises, but that is the epitome of what we do in life.

We get exhausted from the fight.
We feel like we've been beat up and bruised and we have nothing to show for it. Because now we're pissed off and angry at everybody around us and angry at ourselves that we couldn't get it to work the way we wanted it to.

What if sometimes life happens, like what happened to me, for the sole purpose of giving you a fun story to be able to share with your friends. A laughable moment that we will never forget.

A bonding moment, which I had. Because initially when I was put underwater, I came up and I was scared. And it was my friend who maintained her composure.

Although she was equally as scared for me, she maintained her composure and with her clarity of mind, directed me what to do next. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Now, without taking away from that and from her, I have no doubt in my mind, because I'm very resourceful that if I was alone and that was me, I would be equally as scared, but I would have figured it out because that's just what we do.

But I didn't have to exert that extra energy because she was doing it for me. There are just so many advantages to just letting go and going with the flow.

Even though everybody in your life has probably told you the exact opposite. That you need to be in control. And you need to do whatever it takes, no matter what it takes. Well, again, think about me on the boat.

I did try to maintain control. I did try to fight against the waves and get back on the boat a few times. And what happened? It kept putting me underwater.

And I bet that if you took this analogy really seriously, and you superimposed it on instances in your own life, you would see that when you have fought against things, or when you fight against things, that you feel like you've been capsized as well.

What would it mean to you to have a peaceful life?

How differently or how much better would things be if whatever was coming at you, you just went with the flow of it and came out the other side unscathed?

Going with the flow of life doesn't mean that life is suddenly going to be easy and never have any speed bumps. It just means when the speed bumps occur, you're not fighting against them.

You don't have any resistance to them, because you know that you're just going to go with it. Maybe I should retract that last statement about life not being easy. Because when we stop resisting life, it does become easy.

Of course there's going to be challenges, but that's all they are, is challenges. And when you go with the flow, you remain calm, you become resourceful, and you move through the challenge with ease.

I know what you might be thinking. Yeah, but what about my teenagers who are unbearable? They're rude and they're hateful and they leave a mess everywhere.

How do I just let that go and go with the flow?

Well, you start with stop taking their stuff personally, because whatever they're doing or saying about you to you, not about you, it's about them.
They're teenagers, they're wiry, they're cantankerous, they're all kinds of things, but it's not about you.

"Yeah, but they leave the house a mess. And what if somebody comes over and"... Okay, what if somebody comes over? You have teenagers.

If somebody's going to come over and judge you, maybe they don't need to come over anymore. Because what goes on in your house is your business and not up for public scrutiny.

"But it drives me crazy too." Okay, but that's your issue. That's not their issue. Why do you need to have everything just so?
Look, I get it.

Cause that was me, and I'll tell you why. I needed to have everything 'just so.' In case it helps you... I needed to have everything just so. In other words, I needed to control my external environment. Because I didn't have control of my internal environment.

My negative thinking was on a loop 24/7 never stopped, and I didn't know how to stop it. To be honest, I didn't even know what it was or that that was a thing until many years later.

And dare I say, after some damage was done. I'll be perfectly honest with you, I long for those days again, where the kids were making a mess.
And I would so do things differently.

You know why? Because the kids leaving a mess in the house means there's kids in the house.

I say that just to give you another perspective. I know that all situations are different and some kids are truly unbearable to be around.

But this is where you can get maybe creative. And if you want to go with the flow, the first thing you want to do is step back from whatever it is. Whatever your normal reaction would be to them is...just step back instead.

• Wait.
• Interrupt your pattern of reaction.
• Replace that thinking with something else.

I said in another podcast, I have some things prepared to interrupt, like fun memories or favorite songs that you could kind of sing in your head at that moment.
You want to interrupt the negative thinking that's going to cause your reaction.

So you replace that thinking with something that you enjoy.
Imagine yourself riding a horse with your hair blowing back in the wind. If you love horses.

Imagine you're playing the piano. If you love playing.
Whatever it is for you, you interrupt your pattern doing that.

Then you want to ask yourself, what is it about this that bothers me?
What is really going on?
"Well, my kid is screaming in my face and he's horrible." Okay, but what about that bothers you?

"Well, it's disrespectful to do that."

It's disrespectful. But is it possible he feels disrespected because you're not listening to what his feelings are?

I'm not throwing shade, I'm not pointing, I'm not blaming you in any way. I'm simply asking you to consider some possibilities that might bring compassion in the picture.

And with compassion and going with the flow, you end up with a great situation. And no, having compassion for somebody who's losing their mind is not giving them authority to continue.

Because when you have compassion and you go with the flow, it just doesn't bother you. There's no fight in you.
Peace means more to you.

And in the event that your kid keeps going and going and going at you, that's simply because whatever they're doing has always worked before.

And now you're showing them that it doesn't work anymore. It's going to take a couple of times, but you will gain so much respect by doing stuff like this.
And I can almost assure you that they're not going to tell you that they respect you more, but they will.

The other thing I want to throw in is to remember they're doing whatever they're doing for themselves, not to you.

That's another reason to have compassion and to just step back and go with the flow.

Let them get it off their chest because it isn't about you. If they're angry about something and they're lashing out at you, it's their way to release the pressure that's going on inside of them.

And as one of my kids told me many years ago, when I asked him, "Why do you unload on me and not your dad?" He said, "Because you listen." And that is another way to look at things, too.

Again, I understand that everybody's different. But when a kid can express like that in front of you, it does often mean that they feel safe with you. And that's often what kids need.

Now, I'm not a parenting coach, although I had three kids. I was a kid. I went through hell growing up. I've had tons of clients that have kid issues.

I get it. Doesn't mean I'm always right. And that's where you come in. You don't want to look for somebody who has all the answers for you. You want to find different ways of looking at things so you can feel within yourself whether something is right or wrong for you and your family.

The way to a better life isn't always seeking out gurus to tell you what to do.

It's to find you at your core so you can be your true self and act from that space. To win the war within so you can live a life you love.

And of course, so you can go with the flow of life.