From childhood trauma to now - Why adults sometimes act like kids

Uncovering how childhood trauma shapes adult reactions

A big issue with people is we want to point the finger at what other people do and not take ownership that we often do the same thing.

By doing this, you're able to see yourself and others with compassion. Not only that, you'll get a clear understanding that people don't do things to you, they do things for themselves.

Which, of course, frees you up to be your true self and bulletproofs you from other people's opinions. And their reactions to maybe things that you do. Or maybe your reactions to the things that they do. Like someone who has an irrational response to a rational circumstance or situation.

So, for instance.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone reacted to something and you were taken aback and thought...'what are you, five'?

Because they're acting like a child.

How many times have we seen people lose it? But they're acting like a child. Like it's not even an adult form of expression. And that kind of a response can really sour relationships.

Because you see this grown man or woman acting like a child - for instance, if things don't go their way, or if they're stumped on something because they're being questioned.

But here's the thing.

What that is, is actually them reacting on stored emotions or even trauma from something similar happening to them as a child.

And whatever happened to them as a child traumatized them to some degree or another. I don't believe there is a hierarchy in trauma. Trauma is trauma. It's just how we store it and interpret it.

But at that young age, something happened to traumatize that child, and that, combined with the child's reaction, stayed stored in their nervous system.
So quite literally all these years later, as an adult, when that adult is put in a situation reminiscent of that time as a child, they will react as that child.

And now, because most of the world is walking around unconscious, they don't realize they're acting like a child because their view is they're acting proportionate to what they see is the problem. And that's probably you or whoever they're having the issue with.

But they don't see it as a problem because they've been carrying it this way all these years.
I have to stop here for a sec. God, I love my job, and I even am trying to love doing this podcast all by myself, trying to make sense.

But I'll tell you why I'm stopping.

I learn so much from my clients. I learn about myself. It's not just what I already know from my learnings, it's what I learn from people, individuals, their issues.

And, and I do, what I'm asking you to do is I often, will put myself in their shoes. That's what I'm actually really good at, and see, where am I flawed here as well.

But as I'm recording, I just made an association with one of my behaviors (and I'm not gonna disclose my silly behavior). But yeah, I recognized it as I was recording and I thought, ohhhh my! That, that is absolutely how I reacted as a child to this particular event.

And all these years I did not know that. I did not make the connection, even though I know this stuff. Okay, so if anything else, realize that you're still going to make mistakes.

You could be an expert in something, but you're still going to make mistakes and it's okay. Because you're going to remain open to always be learning.
Well, actually, let's go a little deeper with that.

Okay, let's say you learn like I just did about a behavior. Yeah, so what. Well, so what? That means every time you do it, which is probably likely never. Okay, let's, let's be fair. Maybe once or twice.

And you will stop it immediately because you will realize how ridiculous you're sounding. Because now, you know, you sound and look like a child.

So now you'll be able to perceive your behavior through somebody else who might be watching you through their eyes. And you'll stop it right now.

So there you go. A lifetime of behavior gone. Poof in an instant.

What this new knowledge also does is allows you to be more empathetic or compassionate with yourself and with others. Which means a lot of things, but it could mean less reactive, less inner self-talk. Overall, less judgment. Less judgment for yourself and others.

When you, now that you know this and you know that you're witnessing somebody having a meltdown who's acting like a child. It should be easier for you to, depending on the situation, one, not take anything they say personally because you know they're reacting from their wounded child self. Two, have compassion for them. Or three, all of the above.

Can't you see life getting so much easier when someone gets under your skin and has a meltdown and you can just chill? Like, be nonresponsive or nonreactive to their meltdown? Not only will you show them compassion because you know where it's coming from, even though they don't. You will trigger in them, unintentionally, by the way, even more of a response.

Because up to this point, you have always responded the way they expected. And they fire back. That back and forth.
With no ammunition...there's no fight, there's no war.
Because you see them differently, you're responding differently. And they're not expecting that.

So that kind of starts a whole nother dynamic for good or for bad. They might angle some new projections your way, looking to engage you further because it irritates them that you stopped engaging.

But it's the same thing. What do we do as kids if we don't get our way one way, we try something else.

If that doesn't work, we up the ante. They're upping the ante. Okay, I kind of went on a little tangent. I apologize. I kind of just threw in there, unintentionally, an imaginary scenario that somebody was attacking you and you could see them through a different light.

But that's cool. Because again, I want to go back to - now you know for certain that people don't do things to you they do things for themselves. They're appeasing that five-year-old child or that twelve-year-old child who, say, didn't get the recognition or got yelled at or scolded or an injustice done to them.

And that child is coming out in them, attaching itself to you, attacking you, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with you.

It's their defenses protecting themselves. And it's making you feel like you're under attack. And you are, if you perceive to see it that way.
But you don't have to anymore.

So just to circle back, this is about adults having a disproportionate reaction to something that happens. Let's do this. Let's talk about some things that happen to kids that cause this reaction when they're adults. But here's what I want you to remember.

As I said, trauma has no hierarchy.

And even though I might mention some things that are relatively minor to an adult. To a child, trauma happens in the way that the mind interprets it at that age.

So, for example:

If five year old Bobby is riding his bike. He falls down, really smashes up his knee, and he comes crying to mom. And mom blows him off. That could be traumatic for that child because he's a child. He could interpret that as not being lovable. Being stupid for not being able to stay on his bike...or clumsy.

That five year old just wanted love from his mom. He didn't get it. In fact, he got worse. He got blown off and told to grow up or suck it up or whatever. And that child internalized that. And for that child, that was a traumatic event. That stays with him until he cleans it up.

Now, because everybody is an individual and individual, and everybody interprets and responds and reacts to their individuality, there could be a multitude of ways that as an adult, this person, (Bobby), responds.

But let's give two from different positions. Position (a). As a child, he felt rejected by his mother and felt, he's in this world all alone. I don't need anybody. Therefore, I'm going to conquer this world alone. So as an adult, it might look like if anybody seems too needy to him, Bobby may lose it.

Let's say somebody gets a little bit too close, he could become unglued and lose his cool. Which would be disproportionate to said person wanting to get close.

Position (b), he could respond to, let's say, rejection from somebody, or even, you know, asking for a raise at work and getting rejected, being told no.

He could respond to that by:

• Becoming a recluse.
• By getting depressed
• Missing work
• Not answering texts or calls

And somebody might say, well, he's behaving that way just because his boss told him he won't be getting a raise right now? Or because he asked somebody on a date and she said no?

Wow. His behavior seems kind of extreme. And it is extreme as an adult. But it's not extreme for a child.

Okay, let's give another example.

Let's say kid had parents who yelled all the time. And as an adult, anytime somebody even raises their voice a bit, the adult loses it, either like he did as a kid or like he wanted to do as a kid. And everybody around him is telling him to grow up.

Ah, there it is...Grow up. Act your age.

We've said this about adults. Or at least if we haven't said it out loud, we for sure thought at a time or two.

[slight pause]

How you doing there?

• Have you had some insights?
• Have you thought of some people that maybe fall into this category of reacting or overreacting from their wounded child self? And how about you?
• Have you had any insights about you and where you may be doing this?
• Where do you react that's disproportionate to what's presented? Has anybody ever said to you at your age or grow up or stop acting like a child when you behave or react in a certain way?
• And are you able to (or willing) to stop and look at those times? And reflect back to see if, in fact, that is coming from a childhood wound?

I hope that you do. And I hope that when you do, you don't discard something that may come up for you. So think about Bobbi and falling off the bicycle example. As an adult, that seems like a pretty cheesy reason to have trauma.

But as a child, it's not. So when you go back and you reflect on your stuff, don't discredit what may come to you. Especially if you're listening to your intuition, which is the way to find it, right? Go within. Whether you meditate or just quiet your mind and go within, the answers will come.

Something, a memory or something will come up for you. And if it seems minor in trite, don't discredit it. Because we don't know when we're young what affects us in a certain way.

And what affects you at two, five, seven, twelve, won't affect the next person at the same ages. It won't affect them the same. So whatever in your inquiry you come up with, it may or may not be correct. But you'll know if it is because it'll feel right.

It'll kind of feel like you're connecting the dots.

Okay, so then what?

So you found the root of the problem. What next? Well, that's when you call me. You book a session or a group of sessions, and we deal with that and a whole bunch of other issues.

But aside from that, you could...let's say your situation is Bobby. Bobby who fell off the bike. You would quiet your mind. Well, first get in a comfortable position, shut off all your distractions, and then quiet your mind.

And draw upon your inner child. Little child, you. and give her or him what you needed but didn't get from your mother that day.

It's really that simple. Now if it's the first time doing this, you don't want to go into a lot of story. And a lot of drama and bring all kinds of stuff in. You only want to focus on that one thing. And your main objective is giving child you love and attention. That's it.

The reason I say that is:

This is a very intimate and (can be) an emotional process. So if it's your first time doing it, you don't want to bombard yourself with every last thing that you ever were dealt as a child.

You can go visit your inner child as often as you want.
And give it everything that you needed but didn't get as a child. That alone will heal you in ways you can't even imagine.

You could save years of therapy bills just by doing inner child work and giving your child the love they never had.

*This is the written version of episode 43 of 'its not you' podcast.