Discover the not-so-obvious ways you keep screwing yourself over. Free yourself from the overlooked emotional and physical habits holding you hostage.

*This is the written version of ‘its not you’ podcast episode #58

I'm going to step into your life for a day so seamlessly that no one will even realize you're gone.

To make this work, you're going to need to show me in vivid detail everything you do and exactly how you do it.

And for a truly perfect replica, I'll need to understand every emotion you experience and how you know when to feel each one...

You're given one day to find a replacement for yourself.

For that one day, you can do whatever you want, be whoever you want, go wherever you want.

For that one day, you get to escape your day to day duties and mirings of the mind. You're going to find out what your patterns of behavior are. And I will be a literal clone of you.

So what I'm going to need you to do is to tell me from start to finish of your day, how you do the things that you do - exactly.

If I'm going to be a clone of you, you're going to have to go through and show me the sequence and steps of every move you make throughout your day.

So, for instance, you wake up in the morning, you open your eyes, you swing your legs off the side of the bed, you stand up, you walk to the bathroom. From the bathroom, you wash your hands.

From there you go down the hall, down the stairs, into the kitchen. You make coffee. You stand while the coffee is being made. You get your cup, your spoon.

The coffee's ready, you pour it, you stand against the counter, have a couple sips, bring your coffee upstairs, go into your bathroom, put your cup on the counter, grab your makeup, you start applying your makeup.

When you're finished, you put that away, have a few sips of coffee, Then you grab your hair products, you do your hair, and then you put that away.

Now, if you're getting bored listening to that sequence of events, imagine if you had to go through that sequence along with every other sequence for every other thing you do in the day, consciously.

Luckily, there's a nice little hack called Autopilot.

And that is from your subconscious mind. Your subconscious creates programs which originate from everything you do sequentially and repeatedly.

And it does so to reserve brain power. And the reason it does that is quite obvious, given that you probably got bored listening to the sequence of events.

Again, imagine if you had to go through that sequence for every single thing you did every single day. In instances like this or driving your car, you don't have to think about how to drive your car once you've learned.

At first, when you were learning you had to have everything quiet. Nobody could be talking to you, no radios on. You had to focus all of your brain's energy on each step of the driving process.

Now you don't.

You can have your radio on, somebody talking and waving out the window at the same time because you're on autopilot thanks to the subconscious programming.

So in these instances, subconscious programming is beautiful. When it's not so good, is when those programs are programmed for negative behavior that maybe are trying to help you.

Because the subconscious is always there to help, to keep you out of pain and out of harm's way.

So if you learned a pattern as a child that 'I have to shut up or I'm going to get beat,' your subconscious is going to keep replaying that pattern as an adult.

Meaning as an adult, when you're quite capable of defending yourself, your subconscious kicks in and starts replaying that program. Which then shuts you up and keeps you on this wheel of being controlled and manipulated by others.

It's important to clarify that the subconscious does have your best interest at heart. It is trying to protect you. But when that protection gets in the way of living a life true to yourself, that's when you need to reprogram it.

Because each time it tries to protect you from something that happened when you were a child, it sets you back into the mindset of you as a child. Making you feel vulnerable and insecure.

So it really is imperative to rewire subconscious programming to your capabilities of today. And if you have concerns that you don't have the capabilities that you want, you can reprogram those old programs with the capabilities that you want.

And you can do that in a number of ways. But one in particular is by knowing this:

Your subconscious does not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined.

So you just have to imagine yourself having these capabilities repeatedly, and your subconscious will accept that as a new program.

More specifically, what you want to do is imagine in your mind, with repetition, the behavior that you want. So if you want to stand up for yourself more often with confidence and courage, imagine that repeatedly.

If you want to stop being offended or taking things personally, you could do that a number of ways.

You can imagine yourself with a bubble around you, and everything that's incoming just ricochets off and splats back in their face.

If you're wondering how this works or why this works, think about a dream you had when somebody that you care about, whether it's a friend, a spouse, a parent, did something in the dream that hurt you and you woke up pissed off at them.

Even though it was a dream, it was so real that you couldn't see past the dream to see them in that moment. We've all had these moments.

Well, that's kind of how this works. When you can surround yourself in a bubble and have it deflect back and splat back on them.

And you do it with enough intensity and repetition, when the moment comes when you need to assert your new skill, this is the image that very well may be running through your mind in the situation.

And you may find yourself grinning or even laughing out loud.

Your mind is a playground. It's an easel that you can make whatever you want.

You could imagine shrinking them down to this little teeny tiny speck as they're mouthing off to you or saying whatever it is that offends you.
And with repetition, you'll start to rewire your subconscious reactions.

As an aside, of course, the other thing you could do is get hypnotherapy to get to the root of your triggers and rewire them that way.

Now that you know that the majority of your actions in a day - I'm going to tell you 95% - is subconscious programming. And now that you know how you got programmed in the first place, this should make it that much easier for you to describe for me the sequence of the events that happen throughout your day in order for me to take over for you, for me to clone you.

And your strategies have to be so precise that if you had a spouse or kids, they would not know that it was somebody other than you there with them.
If this in any way sounds confusing, lemme ask you this...

• Do you know instinctively what hand you use to brush your teeth every single day?
• Do you know instinctively what leg of your pants you put on first every day?
• Or what sock you put on first, or what shoe you put on first?

Or is this all just habit?

All of these things you're going to need to know in order for me to replace you for a day.
And that's not all.

When you do this, you're also learning how you keep these programs running. And that's going to be really important for the next bit.

See, not only am I going to come over and do your duties, your physical duties, you know, whether it's doing your laundry, going to your job, running your kids around to their activities, or sitting with your parents and taking their shit and abuse.

In which case you would have an emotional reaction or response. So I'm going to need you to walk me through the steps, the strategy that you have that causes you to evoke an emotional response.

You follow me?

So, just like the examples that I've given already, in the physical sense, we have mental strategies that tell us when it's time to be pissed off, happy, in joy, in love, frustrated, angry, in grief.

When to have anxiety, when to be stressed, when to be depressed, when to be in fear or scared. And any other emotional reaction you may have.

If I were you, here's what I'd do differently

When you learn the sequence that your mind goes through to put you in one of those moods, that is the how of how you keep these programs running.

Now, before I give an emotional example, I'm going to give you an example going back to the morning routine. Anyone who has a morning routine, and everyone has a morning routine to some extent, has a mental image of what step to take, in what order.

They can mentally see, albeit mostly unconsciously, the next step to take. So let's say as they're going down the hallway toward the stairs to go make coffee, they stub their toe.

Well, they're going to be in immense pain, and that's going to break the pattern right there, because that sequence and their pattern of behavior just got interrupted.

As an aside, it's worth mentioning that while interrupting a positive pattern like that, you know, because it'll set you back and you might end up being late for work.

From the emotional side, interrupting your pattern is a key tool. I mean, think about it. The program you were running got completely sidetracked, stopped dead in its tracks.

So wouldn't that be a useful tool if you were to get angry, to know that if you interrupt that pattern, that the anger subsides or the anxiety is paused?

Now, speaking of anxiety, I'm going to use that to show you an emotional example. And this example has nothing to do with the things that we normally talk about, but it's relatable, and it'll give you distance to see how all this works.

In this example, you're going to clearly see that the reason for this person's anxiety has nothing to do with what they think it does.

What it really is, as you'll see and as we've already talked about, is how you keep your programs running. In this case, it's their fear and anxiety around flying.

Maybe, you know people who say they're afraid of flying.

But here's the thing: They're not actually afraid of flying. What they're afraid of is crashing.

Even though they've never been in a plane crash.

What's the difference between someone on a flight who sits comfortably, reads a book in total peace, and someone across the aisle, pounding back drinks, riddled with anxiety?

It's the thought sequence that goes through their mind that ends up being that very reliable strategy

What they are doing inside themselves that generates so much anxiety is the how.
Who they are doesn't matter, nor does age, sex, race or status. What matters is they all share the same process. The same 'how' they would picture themselves sitting in this airplane.

• First they would picture the takeoff.
• Then they would visualize the wings falling off and the plane going down in flames while everyone is screaming and yelling.
• Then they imagine the metal ripped apart and dead bodies all over the mountainside.
• And then they have the internal experience, as if all those images are approaching and really going to happen.

That's the 'how' someone generates a fear of flying. It's all about thinking about what could happen, might happen, may happen, and then responding to it, to those thoughts, as if it's going to happen.

Because they don't have any particular skill in being able to distinguish what's possible from what's probable.

For as long as anybody generates that kind of sequence of terrible images and places themselves right in the middle of it, they're going to have a fearful experience.

You have to be able to separate what's realistic, what's probable from what's possible.

Now, this example is a little bit removed from our day to day interactions where things are often very probable. You know, if you fear getting in an argument with somebody because they're very confrontational, that is very probable.

But you knowing your sequence, you knowing your 'how', you can stop any response or reaction. And you can do that through what we've shown here, interrupting the pattern.

So you're having an interaction with somebody, they say something, you already know that when they do or say this thing, you snap. But you already know what your sequence is for this. So you could stop it dead in its tracks.

And not only are you disarming yourself, you're disarming them because they're expecting your usual reaction.

Let's use an example now of a situation where you fear rejection or confrontation for being your honest, true self.

• First, you might imagine being in a conversation with the person or persons, whether face to face or on the phone.
• Then you might visualize someone cutting you off mid conversation, telling you your thinking is wrong and that you're stupid and misguided.
• You open your mouth to continue your point, but you're overcome with nervousness and your mouth feels parched and nothing comes out.
• Then you imagine leaving the conversation angry because you didn't have the guts to stand up for yourself.

And then... you have the internal experience, as if all those things are really going to happen.

So that is a sequence, a sequence that leads to an outcome. So what you want to do is interrupt that sequence, remove any part of that sequence, and the whole thing collapses.

So while you're uncovering your sequences so you can share with me how you get into an angry state or a joyful state, also consider your physiology.

• How do you sit?
• How do you stand?
• How do you move your face?
• What do you do with your hands or your feet?
• Do you jiggle your knee?

One time I was driving with the kids in the car. I think we were getting into bad weather or something. And I instantly got panicked. And when I'm like that, I need total quiet so I can focus and concentrate. But all the kids were going crazy in the back.

And so I started yelling at them. And my son said to me, (he was looking in the rear view mirror at me), he said, 'Do you realize, mom, that when you get mad, mad you stick your chin out?'

And I did not know that. So what I learned from that point on, that if I remember that when I'm mad, I stick my chin out. If I don't stick my chin out, that breaks the sequence.

I'll give you a couple other short examples. So if somebody is depressed, what do you picture when you think of a depressed person? One of the first things is slouched shoulders.

Well, if you're feeling depressed or sad and you have slouched shoulders, straighten your shoulders and place them up and back.

Pay attention to any other qualities that you do when you're depressed as well. One final example is something I think you'll be familiar with. And it's something that I notice I do when I'm frustrated while I'm sitting at a desk or a table.

Usually it's because I'm stumped or I can't figure something out. But I find myself doing, you know, the universal nonverbal cue for mental strain or stress or deep thinking.

Which is, I put my elbow on the desk, I put my head in my hand, and I either rub my forehead... actually, I just stopped to go through the motions and see exactly what I do.

And there's a few things:

• Along with rubbing my forehead, I also rub my eyebrow and sometimes my eye while my fingers are on my eyebrows.
• But the other thing I noticed I do is I put like my thumb into my cheekbone and my four fingers on my forehead and just rest there for a bit.
• And then I sometimes start rubbing. But you know what's funny not funny?

When I was putting myself in these positions to test it out. While I'm recording, (I'm feeling good, recording). But partaking in that one gesture alone started bringing on that feeling of frustration.

Had I stayed there, I would have gone deep into it. Instead and because I was just doing it for testing purposes, I interrupted that pattern and I went back to being happy.
Guys, this is such intriguing stuff. When you start to find your little nuances that set you into certain moods. Have fun with this. Please try this.

Interrupt the pattern so you can see for yourself the ways that your life sometimes gets unwittingly sidelined. And how fast you can bring it back.

You might even want to start by observing somebody close to you, maybe a spouse or your kids. Just notice their sequence of events.

Of course, you're not going to know what's going on in their head, but you can see their physiology and notice what they do every time they're mad, or what they do every time they want to sneak one over on you.

So in closing, I'm going to share a handful of examples of things we do that'll give you a better feel for what to look out for. And how to interrupt that pattern.

• If you find you berate yourself, you're going to want to make the language soft and supportive.
• If you grit your teeth, loosen up your jaw.
• If you scowl and furrow your eyebrows, hold your eyebrows up curiously and smile.
• If you're one to slam your fist, stop. Just don't. Don't slam your fist.
• If you clench your fists, open up your hands.
• If you feel heaviness, imagine a ball of light from the universe coming in through the top of your head, breaking it up and healing it.
• If you put your hands on your hips, take them off.

Follow through with this. You'll learn your sequence, and then you'll know exactly how you keep negative patterns running and why your life is sometimes shit.