Mind your words: How everyday language can rob you of your free will
There's a language form you've been using your whole life. So common, you don't even notice it. But it's harming you. Find out what it is and how to stop it.
*This is the written version of ‘its not you’ podcast episode #60
Listen to the full episode here (or any of your favorite podcast apps)
A friend of mine text me to ask me if I could will her some motivation to put up her Christmas decorations. Initially, she was inspired, took everything out, and then lost her mojo.
I told her, at least in my experience, that inspiration will come. It always does. And when it comes, she'll be like a hurricane getting it all done. As opposed to forcing herself, feeling the way she does now.
Now, I don't know where hurricane came from. I've never said that before, but after I said it, I got a funny image of Wile E. Coyote flying around her house, putting up her decorations.
I don't think my friend got the same image. I don't know. I didn't ask. But she did feel the effects of the metaphor. Which got me to thinking about the metaphors we use multiple times a day unconsciously.
Like after leaving a dreadful conversation and all my energy is sucked dry and I say to myself, "I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck".
Or when someone I care about used my vulnerabilities against me and I said, "It's like they poured salt in my wound and it feels like a slap in the face".
It's also akin to the times when my negative thoughts got the best of me and I said, "It's like a broken record playing in my head".
Then there were times when things were finally so good I found myself pulling back because the little ditty "When will the rug get pulled out from underneath me"? started a string quartet in my head.
I'm sure you noticed that you could experience each of those metaphors, both emotionally and physically, as you heard them.
The language you don't realize you're speaking
Now, if you can feel the effects of hearing metaphors, imagine what they're doing to you when you speak them. Worse yet, imagine how you respond when you say them to yourself on repeat. And you don't even know you're doing it.
Look, metaphors are great for storytelling because they make it easy to get the point across that you want to make.
You see, metaphors act as a bridge between the conscious and unconscious mind. Their purpose is to make a comparison to something and potentially evoke an emotion, making it easier for your subconscious mind to understand incoming information.
You know how when you talk to purely logical people who have no creative language, they're all facts and analysis, which lull even the most inquisitive people to sleep?
They are speaking/living from their conscious mind, which is just that. Logic, facts, analysis, and in the moment, decision making.
The way to make sense of and to remember what they're saying, is to create a metaphor. A creative comparison that your subconscious mind relates to and remembers.
Where the conscious mind is fact and logic, the subconscious mind communicates through images, symbols and metaphors. The other thing about metaphors is they're also a communication of our inner selves.
I mentioned metaphors are great for storytelling. Well, the stories we tell ourselves are often cloaked in metaphors. What those metaphors are, reveals how your unconscious or subconscious (I kind of use those interchangeably and I really shouldn't), processes your experiences.
Metaphors can be transformational or they can be banal. Either way, they are an insight into your inner world. They reflect the way we interpret our strengths, struggles, our potential, our beliefs and our limitations.
For instance, everyone who hears "I have butterflies in my stomach" has virtually the same visual. However, one person may say, "I have butterflies in my stomach", and emotionally it means she's excited.
Someone else may interpret butterflies in the stomach as having anxiety. Of course, each example of butterflies in the stomach is situational, but this phrase is likely representative of how she sees life in general.
When words become chains
The metaphors we use often shape our expectations, which then dictate a course of actions and events. For example, let's say you're to meet your mom, and you and your mom don't get along very well.
An unconscious metaphor you may use to describe this upcoming encounter may be, "I wonder what we're going to butt heads about this time", which is not only a clear visual, but sets the expectation and presupposes there will be a fight or disagreement of some kind.
What happens is, you go into your visit with a chip on your shoulder. And this often provokes the negative encounter. Conversely, a metaphor someone with a loving relationship with their mom may use could be, "My mom is my rock.
She's like a guiding star in a dark sky". The expectation of this metaphor is - mom gets me through tough times. She's my best friend. It also gives you, the listener, the clear visual of pure love, strength, and wisdom.
So going into the meet with Mom, a positive expectation has been set and likely will manifest as such.
Breaking the hold of Unconscious patterns
With all that said, now the question is, how might you unknowingly and unconsciously be reacting to metaphors imposed on you from your past?
What are some metaphors your parents or family members or peers said to you that may still shape the way you see yourself, interpret your world or respond to challenges today?
For instance, my mom used to call me a bull in a china shop, which made me feel like I was clumsy and simple minded. There's obviously a lot of context missing here, but remember, while the visual is virtually the same for most people. The interpretation is always personal.
So here's a few examples of metaphors that parents say to kids. Think about how they make you feel if someone were to say them to you.
- You're slow as molasses. You're lazy. You're nothing but a headache.
- You're a real piece of work.
- Your room is a pigsty.
- You're about as bright as a burnt-out light bulb.
- You're three bricks short of a load. Or worse, you're a/you've got shit for brains.
I'm sure you can think of many, many more. And maybe these are way too outdated for today's day. But can you see how any one of these metaphors might affect one as an adult?
The hidden cost of everyday speech
If you're constantly told you're about as bright as a burnt out light bulb, you go through life thinking you're stupid when you could actually be the smartest person in the room.
That metaphor becomes a belief. And even if people tell you how smart you are, you don't or can't believe them.
So what does any of this have to do with it's not you or people don't do things to you, they do things for themselves?
Well, a parent saying things like this to their child isn't doing so because there's something wrong with the child. They're doing so because there's something wrong with them. Usually a deep hurt. And the child, perhaps you, are reminding them of it, making them uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, what isn't realized is that these things can and do follow a child around for years. The thing to remember now is - they didn't and don't know any better after hearing this, you do.
So you can stop saying these things to yourself now that you know - it's not you - and never was you. And yes, it's going to take some time and repetition, but you're saying this stuff to yourself anyway. You may as well just change it up and replace it with something better.
Earlier, I explained how metaphors act as a bridge to our inner selves, shaping how our unconscious mind processes and makes sense of our experiences. These metaphors often reflect our deepest thoughts, emotions, and struggles, sometimes without us realizing their impact.
I'm going to list a variety of commonly used metaphors, in no particular order, as they relate to many topics my clients deal with, such as being overwhelmed by thoughts, struggling with inner demons, facing fears, vulnerabilities, taking things personally, feeling taken advantage of, and more.
As you listen, notice which metaphors resonate with you or feel familiar. And later I'll revisit some of them and reframe them and introduce you to a new tool that's fun to use, easy, and gives you fast results. To help you experience the profound mental, emotional and physical shift that's possible for you.
But first, as an example, when you feel your patience is quickly fraying, have you ever said "I'm at the end of my rope", which has all kind of connotations, least of all the onset of an outburst?
Or do you say, "I got this", which reflects self-trust and self-reliability instantly taking down the temperature?
I'm going to quickly reiterate - the list I'm about to read - is a list of things that we mostly unconsciously say to ourselves.
Or at the very least, we say them, but we don't realize the impact that they can have on us or that they are having on us. So have a listen and again, see which ones resonate with you.
- My mind is driving me mad
- My thoughts are like a roller coaster
- My mind is racing like a runaway train
- It's like a broken record playing in my head
- I'm lost in a sea of overthinking
- My mind is a battlefield
- It's like there's a monster lurking inside of me
- I'm haunted by the ghost of my past
- I feel like I'm wrestling with shadows
- My thoughts are attacking me
- There's a raging war in my head
- I feel like I'm living in a fog
- I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop
- I feel like there's a black cloud hanging over me
- I feel like a shadow of myself
- I felt 2 inches tall
- I felt myself shrinking into the background
- I feel like my wings have been clipped
- I'm like a fly on the wall
- I'm a ghost of who I used to be
- I felt like a deer in the headlights
- I felt frozen in place
- I feel like I'm walking in someone else's shadow
- I feel invisible
- I'm walking on eggshells
- I feel like I'm in quicksand
- It's like I'm walking in molasses
- I'm spinning my wheels getting nowhere
- I'm drowning in responsibility
- I have the weight of the world on my shoulders
- I feel like I'm sinking
- I have a heavy heart
- There's a storm brewing inside of me
- It's like a slap in the face
- That was a punch to the gut
- I feel like they've stabbed me in the back
That's a whole list of really negative things. Of course, you just got slammed with a whole lot at the same time, but just take one. Can you not feel how they're all so restricting and heavy?
So let's go to just a few on the brighter side.
- I feel like I can breathe again
- It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders
- My heart is exploding with joy
- I feel like I can finally come up for air
- I'm on cloud nine
- I'm floating on air
So not only are these positive metaphors, but they can also be used as examples of reframes. Which is basically just flipping the negative into a positive and saying that instead.
But here's where it's going to get fun...
Your blueprint for freedom
We're going to pull some of these out, and I'm going to show you another way - or another tool - to help you take the pressure off yourself.
And this all coincides with how your brain and your subconscious mind works. So when you're looking at something like "I felt frozen in place", whatever that visual is for you, imagine yourself either unthawing or breaking the ice.
If you're frozen in place, maybe you're frozen in ice. Maybe your feet are frozen in ice in your visual, your interpretation of that metaphor. So whatever it is, do an active role in unfreezing yourself.
Look, you may laugh and think this is corny as hell, but you're already reacting to the metaphors you currently use.
If you feel frozen in place, you have an image of being frozen in place, and you're physically and emotionally responding to it. So to break yourself free in your imagination, of being frozen in place, isn't that the next logical conclusion?
And it works every time.
Okay, let's do... "I feel like I'm walking in someone else's shadow". In this case, walk in front of that someone else and imagine 'that someone else' shrinking, shrinking, shrinking until they're the size of a little toy.
If you feel like you're walking on eggshells, get a broom, sweep up the eggshells, toss them in the garbage, and feel yourself walking on smooth ground.
"I feel like there's a black cloud hanging over me". In this case, you can do a few things. You can imagine the cloud completely moving and disappearing altogether, so the black cloud is no longer over you, and you will instantly feel better.
Or you can have more fun with this and imagine that black cloud draining of its color. All the black is draining out of it, and it's going into the universe to be purified, leaving a white, fluffy cloud. And notice how you feel.
If you find yourself saying you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, imagine your hands going to your shoulders and lifting that weight off and throwing it far, far off into the universe.
If you feel like you're walking in a fog, imagine the fog clearing.
Here's one I remember being taught to me, and it was a man had come in to see my instructor and said he felt like he was encased in cement. So my instructor imagined like he got a hammer and chisel and chiseled the cement away from the man, and the man could feel the heaviness falling away.
When you say your mind is like a runaway train, stop the train. Maybe you even get on and start driving it yourself.
I think you get the gist as to what you need to do next. And look, this is the way the brain works. I talked to someone the other day who's been going to therapy for 14 years. 14 years!!
I don't get it. Because with tools like this, healing and recovery is so much faster and easier and fun.
And to reiterate again, the reason it works is because your mind, your subconscious mind communicates through images, symbols and metaphors.
And that's why healing and recovery can be so quick and easy. We're not taught this. That's why this seems odd and hard to believe. But you don't need me to convince you. All you have to do is try it yourself.
Give a good, earnest effort to do it yourself, and you'll see for yourself it works. And you can do this - use this tool when other people want to throw their metaphors onto you.
So, stay vigilant, pay attention to the metaphors that you use.
And use this tool.