Perfectionism isn't the problem - It's how you're using it that holds you back

Discover how to harness perfectionism as your greatest strength instead of a source of stress.

*This is the written version of ‘its not you’ podcast episode #63

You've perfected how to please certain people in your life. You've perfected what to do and what not to do so you don't upset the apple cart.

You've perfected everything that goes against being your true self. And in some instances, you've perfected how to minimize the echo of your inner demon by doing what you know it will hound you to do, even though you don't want to.

I think one of the most written about topics in self-development is perfectionism. We're all hung up on being perfect - doing things perfectly. Even though we know there's no such thing as perfection.

Because what's perfection to me might be a disaster to you. Personally, I think Picasso's paintings look horrible.

There's no perfection in them to me. They're sloppy and they're ugly. Someone else will pay millions of dollars for them because they think of that as perfection. There are so many variables here as to what constitutes perfection. So, therefore, it's an unachievable goal.

So what's underneath perfection? Well, it's usually to compare yourself to somebody else, to please somebody else, or maybe to prove yourself to somebody else.

And what's the golden underlying theme? Somebody else.

Perfectionism is almost always about appealing to or appeasing somebody else.

You want to look good in front of other people. You want to sound good in front of people, lest they judge you. You want to be the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect employee, the perfect housekeeper, the perfect cook.

Everything you do is hinged on what other people might say about you. Now, logically, you know as well as I do that there's no such thing as perfect, thankfully.

Because how else would we learn to do things differently? How would we grow and expand our mind if there was only one perfect way to do everything?
And I get it. If your life is full of drama, you might be thinking, oh, that would be wonderful.

It would be wonderful just to have a scheduled routine and have everything go right and no flaws, no hiccups. But if you've ever worked at a job for any length of time and you have perfected that, don't you get bored?
Don't you just get bored doing the same thing every day? There's no change. It's the same old, same old.

That's where people start feeling they don't know who they are anymore because they perfected, in this case, their job so well that they lose themselves.

Part of that has to do with them identifying with that perfected part of themselves at the job. So take the title away, take the job away, and you take the identity away. They don't know who they are without it.

Also, one of the reasons people feel stuck in life, because when everything is so routine and robotic, it's boring as hell.

Well, as far as perfection goes, I'm here to give you some good news. There are some things that you've perfected in life, and one of them is your bad habits.

But not just your bad habits. You've also perfected all the negative things that were said to you throughout your lifetime.

Now, the good news portion of this is you can stop trying to be a perfectionist. You already are one. Just in a different area.

If you were led to believe that you're not good enough because of the things that people said to you, well, you've perfected that you're not good enough by capitulating to the theory and the belief that you're not good enough.

In other words, someone or some people throughout your life told you who you were, told you what you should be, and you've perfected those things.

And as the saying goes, practice makes perfect. So you've perfected them by practicing them over and over and over again.

And in doing so, you've now trained your subconscious mind. Because your subconscious is an easel in which you imprint what you want. And anything with repetition gets imprinted.

Your subconscious doesn't judge what's incoming. It just accepts what comes in through repetition. If you're going to say or do the same thing over and over, your subconscious is going to be like, okay, this must be the way it is or the way they want it.

Now, with this repetition, not only are you imprinting into your subconscious mind the way it should be - things should be, you're also training your nervous system.

So now you've got two factions riding down the same path with the same intention and the same goal. And should you veer off that path, you're going to get resistance.

And that resistance I'm going to call your inner demon. And when you veer off that path, your inner demon will come in and set you straight really quickly.

Your inner demon knows exactly what to say, when to say it, in what tone, and for how long to say it in order for you to shape up and get back to that perfected version of yourself.

If you've ever tried to change a habit, you know what I'm talking about. What's happening is your inner demon has taken the place of your parent or whoever told you these things about yourself that you believe to be true and that you've perfected through your behavior.

And because of this you now have inverted perfectionism throughout your life.

That's my term for when you turn perfectionism against yourself. Because it creates more pain and havoc in your life than if you just remained as your true self, said what you wanted to say, did what you felt like doing when you wanted to do it, in whatever form that takes.

In other words, if you don't want to go with your friends for coffee, you just say no, I don't want to go, and it's over. Versus all the energy expelled trying to think of just the right excuse that will be believable enough where they won't question you and need receipts.

Or maybe you don't want to do your dishes straight after supper. Maybe you prefer to wait till 9 o'clock at night. So be it. If you feel good about that, then that is all you need compared to forcing yourself to do it after supper, because that's the way you were told it has to be.

This is where your inner demon comes in and starts to remind you that if you want to be perfect, this is how you do it. You do your dishes after supper because that's what all the perfect people do.

Or all the perfect people, well, they just go along and they're nice and they're compliant and they don't rock the boat, they don't want to be disagreeable.

Just let people ramble a bunch of hot horse shit and you're just going to go along and nod your head and lose all self respect and say, yeah, you're right, because you're the perfect friend or the perfect host or the perfect daughter or the perfect employee.

It's exhausting

And if you had any experience with any of that, which I'm sure you have, because we're human, you know what kind of toll that takes on you.

And what's even more exhausting is when it's that heaping pile of horseshit that people are spewing and you're doing everything not to laugh in their face.

And even worse, you're watching everyone around you just lapping it up.
Imagine how liberating it would feel if you just started laughing. If you just bust out laughing during a conversation like this because you can't stand the lunacy any longer.

Ah, but we know what happens, don't we? That's when your inner demon pipes up and says, "Oh, what have you done? You just made a complete ass of yourself. You're gonna be a complete laughingstock now. You're never gonna get invited back. You should really go apologize, make amends.

"If you don't, you're gonna end up alone and lonely because all your friends are gonna walk away. Because now they're embarrassed of their association with you."

Now, if you think this is a gross exaggeration of what our mind does in instances where we go off the beaten path or stray from the status quo, it's not.

This is what goes on in people's minds. Their fear is so deep, of losing status, validation, and acceptance, that people will do almost anything to keep it.

But here's the thing: The cost of losing your strong sense of self is far greater.

If you've ever heard or said to yourself, "I don't know who I am anymore." This is one of the factors as to why. Because you've inverted perfection as mentioned earlier.

• You've perfected how to please certain people in your life.
• You've perfected what to do, what not to do (so you don't upset the apple cart.)
• You've perfected everything that goes against being your true self.
• And in some instances, you perfected how to minimize the echo of your inner demon by doing what you know it will hound you to do. Even though you don't want to.

Or, for instance, let's say you haven't been to visit your parents for a while. And you really don't want to go because every time you leave, you feel like you've been hit by a truck.

And you'd much rather just stay home and be at peace rather than subject yourself to a bunch of shit and abuse. But...you start getting nigglings inside that start making you feel guilty.

And then your inner demon will say, "Yeah, but you really should go see your parents. It's been a long time. What does that say about what kind of person you are?

"You know your parents are getting older. And you know all the things they've done for you over the years, and you can't even be bothered to go see them. What's wrong with you?"

If a dialog like that made you go see your parents, you've perfected trying to avoid guilt and the associated dialog from your inner demon. Or should I say assault from your inner demon?

You've perfected how to feel when something goes wrong in your life by dredging up all the old voices from your past that wasted no time telling you what a failure you are - or what a failure you will be.

I fell into this trap for years after overhearing my Nana on multiple occasions say "She's good for nothing," meaning me, and that I'm useless and will never amount to anything in my life.

So when something went wrong, that was the language that I perfected. It was her language that I perfected, and I took it on as my own, as most people do.

And I wonder, as you're listening to this, if you're starting to get a bunch of examples popping into your head right now of language that you use that isn't yours.

It's probably not just language and words that you perfected either.

• Maybe you have perfected the image of perfection. Meaning maybe the people around you think you've got it all together because of the facade you're putting on. Meanwhile, you're falling apart inside.
• Maybe you've perfected your negative, limiting beliefs by believing them. By not pursuing things that would bring you everlasting joy and fulfillment. And yes, these things are possible.
• Perhaps you've perfected avoidance, staying away from what you deem a sticky situation or a situation where rejection is at risk. Or failure or confrontation.
• Heck, you've probably even perfected your defense mechanisms. How you react to certain situations.

Something that angers you has one reaction. Something that makes you sad or hurt has another reaction. Pain. Even good emotions like joy. Look, any emotion - you've perfected how to react to it - with consistency.

And if any of these are true for you, then you have successfully perfected self-sacrifice. How to put yourself last and put everybody else's needs and wants above your own.

Losing touch with your identity, your desires, and who you truly are at your core.

Overall, you've perfected being a perfectionist. Now think of all the years that took. All the time and the energy that it took for you to perfect what has turned into habits.

Habits of behavior, habits of responses, all of which you've turned into strategies for how to manage situations. And all of which are inverted perfectionism.

All perfectionism that goes against you and who you truly are, who you truly want to be. While sacrificing your inner peace and freedom in exchange for validation and approval of people who only think of themselves.

And truth be told... We should all only be thinking of ourselves.

• When everyone is their true self, humanity flourishes.
• When we know what to expect from the other person.
• When we all take our masks off, then we find our people.

We know who has the values and integrity that align with us, with ours. When we're all pretending to be someone we're not, just to go along, to get along, everything is confused and confusing.

A mishmash of bad energy and nothing good can happen in situations like that. As we know because we're experiencing it. To do what you want and for other people to do what they want is not selfish.

It's self-honoring. And non-negotiable. And sacred. And foundational. And essential.

It only becomes an issue when others expect you to be someone you're not... for them... to appease them. Of course, that's when we get into the problems.

If you were to step up straight away and make yourself known, this wouldn't happen.

When you become your true self and you live through your integrity and your values, you don't need to draw boundaries

Everybody talks about boundaries. You don't need to draw your line in the sand. Because when you are your true self, people know it simply through your presence.
I'm going to give you a very clear example.

Donald Trump. He's top of mind because he just got inaugurated really recently and he's already killing it, fulfilling the mandate that he got voted in on.

When you see Donald Trump, it is clear that he does not need to come out and say, 'I have boundaries and you dare not cross them!' They're implied first, through his presence. Then his words and actions.

Let's put it this way, if he were to walk into a room of total strangers who did not know him, his presence alone commands respect. And why is that? Probably has a lot to do with him being his real self.

And as a result, he's comfortable in his skin. He has confidence, courage, self-awareness and self-belief. And therefore doesn't care what other people think of him.
He isn't driven by pandering. What I mean by that is he isn't looking for validation and acceptance outside himself. He's not seeking it from other people.

So for somebody like him to walk into a room of people that don't know anything about him, there will be zero chance that anybody tries to treat him as inconsequential. As a nobody. As somebody who's small and unworthy.

Now here's what I don't want you to do. A lot of people think Donald Trump is arrogant and pompous. What I don't want you to do is to conflate that with you.
So if you are your true self, does that mean you have to be arrogant and pompous...

Not at all. It's about your words matching your actions. And the presence of clarity you have about who you are, what you stand for, your values and integrity. That all comes through the energy of your presence.

If the Donald Trump example doesn't resonate with you, think of his wife Melania. She's not arrogant, she's not pompous, but her presence commands respect.

There isn't anybody that's going to go up to her whether she says anything or not and disrespect her. Now I'm just giving two examples of what it could look like for you. What not performing for other people looks like.

What being true to yourself looks like. This has nothing to do with - because they have money, because they're successful, because he's the president, she a model. It has nothing to do with that.

We all know people in our daily lives who carry themselves the same way. And they do not put up with shit and abuse, but they don't have to say it out loud.

Now as this relates to perfectionism, these two, Donald and Melania Trump, they are self-admitted perfectionists. As in everything has to be a certain way. But, but it's not inverted. Their perfectionism is about doing things or having things that make them happy.

They aren't perfectionists to please others, they are perfectionists to please themselves. And more often than not that comes at the benefit of other people.

Just look at his buildings, Trump towers and stuff. They are fantastical. And when you as a customer or consumer go there, you get perfected service.

What the Trumps do for themselves, they also gift to others. Thereby getting respect in return. Which is the exact opposite to the way one treats an inverted perfectionist.

Because a perfectionist gives the aura of insecurity. It shows in the way that they present themselves, the way they speak, the way they act, what they say and how they respond to situations.

So if you're going to be a perfectionist, why not perfect the things that will draw to you, respect, endearment and like-minded people?

And even more importantly, you can embody self-respect again

• Why not perfect self-love?
• Why not do for you all the things that you want others to do for you or all the things that you would do for others but that you don't do for yourself?
• Why not perfect the language you speak to yourself instead of listening to all the negativity from your past?
• Why, why don't you say to yourself what you wished somebody had said to you and what you still want someone to say to you.

Now, if your first impulse is to say, well, "Yeah, but, that would just be lying to myself."

Well, I hate to tell you, but you're lying to yourself right now being an inverted perfectionist, doing everything for everyone else and not you.

You're lying to yourself when you believe what was said about you. They were lies. They lied and you're believing that. So why can't you believe when you actually say something really, really thoughtful, loving, kind and nice about yourself?

Remember, you've perfected your perfectionism through practice because practice makes perfect. So it's just going to take some practice. Yeah, it's going to feel uncomfortable because it's words or actions you've never heard or done before.

But it's no different than when you start a new job. It's foreign. You had no idea what you were doing. You're probably clumsy, you make a lot of mistakes. You get frustrated with yourself. But you keep on perfecting it so you have that payoff. A regular paycheck.

So in close, let me ask you this:

What might be the payoff for you to start treating yourself with dignity and respect?
Might it be taking your power back? Or having a happy and fulfilling life? Maybe it's improved decision-making?

Better, more authentic relationships where you can be your true self unapologetically?

Maybe it's more confidence and certainty. Maybe it's stronger self-worth. And maybe it's just that you want inner peace.

I'm not sure what it is for you. So I hope that you think about it and strive toward that goal of getting it.

What is it that you will gain when you start treating yourself with love and respect and ditching the inverted perfectionism?

And then ask yourself, what are you willing to continue to lose if you don't?