Your inner demons keep you feeling responsible for others' actions. Find out why you’re not to blame and what’s really going on behind people’s behavior.

*This is the written version of ‘its not you’ podcast episode #57

She's in her fifties, and after a life of various forms of abuse from her father, she still tolerates it.
She does whatever he wants, and she's careful about what she says because she doesn't want to upset him.

Why?

Secondary gains.

The hidden influence of secondary gains

Secondary gains is defined as a benefit that the client gets from maintaining their problem. It's most often attributed to an illness.

For instance, a person injured at work might intentionally avoid getting better because the perks of staying home and getting paid outweigh their desire to return to work. We all know somebody who's done this.

My mother is an example of illness-related secondary gains. As a hypochondriac, she gained emotional support, sympathy, and like a validation of self-worth.

Of course, I didn't know it at the time. One of the things I remember is every time she met my friends, from teenager to adult, she would tell everyone her list of woes, causing most people to feel sorry for her. It literally drove me mad.

A few times after being married, my mom called when I had friends over. I couldn't get to the phone because I was busy with my babies.

So my friend would answer. And they had already met my parents, so seeing it was my mom, I told the friends, don't ask her how she is. You know, just answer the phone.

The first thing they would say, how are you, Mrs. Jones? And they heard how she was for five minutes straight. What I learned about my mom long after she died was she longed for belonging.

Her inner demons kept her feeling unworthy and broken. When my mom was well, she was successful and some would say standoffish though. In other words, like a bit uppity.

But I see now that was a facade. One that faded when being so good at her job wasn't approval enough. So she found acceptance through sickness instead, as it gave her the attention and care that her achievements never did.

Now, there's a lot more to my mom's story. Her inner demons were out of control and it did cause her to be sick.

But I think that's how it started. And when she saw all the attention she was getting, it turned into a secondary gain scenario.

The hidden influence of secondary gains

Let's go back to the woman in her fifties tolerating her father's abuse. What was her secondary gain? Her father was rich and she didn't want to be cut out of the will, period.

That was her secondary gain. One could say she sold her soul for money. And whether or not you believe in a soul, either way, she traded her sovereignty and cashed in her true self for dollar bills.

Someone who constantly agrees with their friends and family's opinions, even when they don't align with their own.

The secondary gain, put simply, is they avoid tension and arguments. Let's say you're having coffee with friends or visiting family.

They're talking about how stupid Trump supporters are and how they wish the would be assassin didn't miss.

You are a Trump supporter, yet you stay silent. And you do so to avoid the discomfort of defending your beliefs and opinions.

And that could be for a lot of reasons.

• It's exhausting.
• They're relentless and cruel, and they'll forever judge you.
• They'll dump you as a friend or disavow you as a family member.

It doesn't matter their reaction, though. What matters is that you know why you're doing it.

But also this:

The toll of hiding your true self

What you are avoiding with them, you're bringing into your psyche. Hiding your true self tears away at your inner harmony, and it often leads to mistreating yourself or those around you.

The other thing I want you to keep in mind in this example and in the others that I'm going to share, is that it'll become very clear to you that what other people do is not about you.

They do things for themselves, not to you. And of course, the opposite is true. You don't do things to other people. You do things for yourself.
This next example doesn't really need an explanation, and that is playing dumb/helplessness.

The secondary gain is to manipulate people. It can manipulate people to step in, offer help, take control, so you don't have to do anything.

You might play dumb so people underestimate you, giving them the upper hand. Meanwhile, you've been gathering information without suspicion, and when you strike, they're blindsided.

Playing dumb also benefits people who want sympathy or to be included.

Let's talk about IB's celiac autoimmune, for example.

Imagine you're planning a get together at a restaurant with your coworkers. In trying to decide where to go, each of you list a preferred establishment, and you're working to an agreed upon place.

Then the one co-worker with Celiac says she can't go to any of those places because they don't have a gluten-free menu.

She ends up deciding for everyone where you'll all go. Then, while there, she tells the waitress her extensive list of requirements while you all order things that none of you wanted.

What is a secondary gain for these things?

It gives people a sense of meaning or a sense of importance, and sometimes it's about control. For instance, with IBS and autoimmune, it could be they're in control of where or if you go to certain places for outings because of proximity to bathrooms.

Also affected is how long you can stay should their autoimmunity flare up.

Now, I do feel for anyone with these issues and being a hypnotherapist and seeing what I've seen, I'm also going to suggest that some of these symptoms are psychosomatic.

And for some people, an illness like this becomes their identity.

What would be the secondary gain for staying in an unfulfilling relationship?

I'm sure you've heard stories similar to soon-to-be brides having a feeling they're making a big mistake and yet going through with the wedding anyway.

And then they regret it, and then they stay in an unfulfilling relationship.
Why would they do that? Because they avoid rejection and loss.

One of the biggest fears of people wanting to be their true selves is being rejected by and therefore losing their friends and family.

I just actually had a friend of 40 years tell me this exact scenario. I was mind-blown. I would have never in a million years thought that she was having doubts even on the day of her wedding.

And in case you're asking, yes, she had stayed in an unfulfilling relationship. Now, this could also apply to a friend group.

Maybe there's one person in your group that you just cannot stand, and yet you don't dare say anything because you may have the illusion that everybody loves this person, and if you say something, they will all dump you.

So you kind of sacrifice yourself and your own well-being to keep from being ejected from the tribe.

Next up, procrastination.

Procrastination: Fear or Timing?

Procrastination can be an easy scapegoat. Let's say you struggled with insecurity throughout your life, but you really wanna start a business like you really, really, really do.

Procrastination is that excuse that you need to avoid going all in because you fear the opinions of others or you fear failure. Now, I offer this one to you because it's something to think about, but it's not absolute.

And I say that because while all the other examples I have experienced to be the secondary gain to be correct, that procrastination for me doesn't work that way.

I found procrastination for me means I'm not supposed to do that thing at that moment, that it's better for me to move on and do something else. Now, maybe that's because there's new information I need to include in the project I'm working on.

Like, in other words, it's not the right timing. And I learned this over time. There was a time when I was working through a bunch of projects, and I just couldn't get the oomph to do it.

So I tacked on the label procrastinating. I must be a procrastinator. But it got so bad that I asked my son, 'Am I a procrastinator?' And his eyes bugged out of his head. He started laughing hysterically.

He goes, 'You might be a lot of things, but the one thing you are definitely not - is you are not a procrastinator.
And, you know, I knew I wasn't a procrastinator, but I had no other rationale for why I couldn't get these things done.

And that rationale, I would soon learn, was what I just expressed a minute ago. That it wasn't the right time, that there's more information needed for me to effectively execute the project.

Or the project wasn't fulfilling and wasn't going to get me anywhere, meaning it would be useless to pursue.

So to abort right now, stop wasting my time on it. And then as time went on, I was able to distinguish situationally the true reason for my so called procrastination.

So keep these things in mind. One of these things might apply to you, and you can therefore be easier on yourself.

This next one, everybody has their own opinions on. And we're talking about depression.

Using depression as emotional blackmail

So I'm just going to jump right into the secondary gain, which for some is emotional blackmail. Some threaten suicide, thus keeping everyone pandering to their every whim.

It's also an excuse to stay stuck and not move forward in life and or to avoid failure. Look, you may not have heard this, but it's long been said that we do depression.

Like anything we do, there's a number of steps that happen in the mind that lead to being depressed.

And if we learn at an early age, which we often do, what those steps are, they can be used to our advantage. And if you're really honest with yourself, you know this is true.

We've all been there. An external event happens that didn't go as expected, say, a breakup. Then we internalize the breakup, give it a negative meaning, rewinding to all the things you could have, should have done better, thus demoralizing yourself.

Now you've convinced yourself you're worthless. And each step along the way has you spiraling even deeper into sadness.

And this sadness can be used as a weapon. So, for instance, in more extreme cases, some people have learned that being depressed gets them attention, yes?

And everyone dotes on them because they're scared where the depression may lead. So, knowing this, the depressed person uses it by threatening suicide if someone doesn't do what they want. So, for example, the breakup.

They may use this talk of suicide ie emotional blackmail to get the ex back. The ex dotes on them because they're now left with the fear of being blamed and blaming themselves should something actually result.

Okay, next example is someone who hides their unconventional beliefs and way of thinking.

The secondary gain is avoiding the vulnerability that comes with opening up to judgment or criticism, or being made fun of, being laughed at.

This is a self-protection strategy that keeps them from feeling exposed, you know, or scrutinized for who they really are.

I used to do this. Over the years, I've grown and learned so much, and specifically learning the immense benefits of hypnotherapy, that I'm unrelatable to some people I've known for a long time.

I used to just pick my battles, so to speak, so I could avoid judgment and criticism. But I don't anymore. I say what I say, and they can laugh or mock if they want.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest anymore. Truth is, it's very rare anyone says anything because I'm confident in my beliefs and I don't let people abuse me.

I also don't need people to agree with everything I say. The reason I'm so confident in my beliefs is because anything I believe in, I have direct experience with, either personally or from the vantage point of a hypnotherapist.

Next issue.

Complaining about not being able to make their own decisions.

That is, their spouse or their friends or parents tell them what to do all the time, and yet they do nothing about that.

Their secondary gain is it takes the pressure off making tough decisions or taking ownership of their life.

By letting others make the choices, you can avoid the responsibility for the outcomes and then blame them when things go wrong.

Complaining that you're being controlled is proof of this. You're blaming others for wrecking your life instead of being true to yourself and forging your own path.

This one is another big one.

Anger.

Anger - a deliberate choice for control

Anger is a choice, and it's deliberate. It's used to assert dominance, control the situation, or manipulate people to do what you want. This allows them to feel powerful or validated.

Here's how you know anger is a choice:

Think of a time when you were crazy angry and you either answered the phone in the middle of it, or the door or your boss came into your space. You went from anger to calm in a split second, didn't you?

To further that, think of someone you have tremendous admiration and respect for, alive or dead. Now, if they were in your presence when something happened that would normally set you off, would you fly into your fit of anger?

No, you wouldn't.

Which means what? That you are able to control your anger when it suits you. Which then confirms the premise that anger is a choice and is deliberate.

Next is inferiority.

What is a secondary gain for having feelings of inferiority? Well, you get to avoid the risk of failure and discomfort of confronting honestly, your true abilities.

This allows you to protect your ego and stay in your comfort zone, keeping you safe from embarrassment or disappointment.

Inferiority can also play into the helpless Persona, which is tightly akin to playing dumb.

If you feel inferior, then you assign superiority to somebody else, which means you have weakened yourself for somebody else to come in and pick up the pieces for you to do the work for you, to show you the way, because you don't know how to do it yourself.

Moving right along. We still have a few more.

This one is people always moaning about how busy they are, but do nothing to change it. You know those people.

"Oh, how you doing?"

"Oh, my God, I'm so busy. I got the kids. I've run the kids all over and I'm working so hard, and my husband expects me to do this, and my mother-in-law wants... and my mother wants me...and I have no time for myself at all.

How was that? I just shortened a two-hour conversation into a blob of almost identifiable language.

But it's true, isn't it? Don't you know people like that - that always go on and on and on and on about how busy they are?

Well, did you know that the biggest secondary gain in this category is status and praise? In many cases, it's a bit of martyrdom, too.

If they stop being busy, they would feel less useful, which they translate as unworthiness.

So as long as they stay busy and let everybody know they're busy, they signal to themselves that they're worthy, while simultaneously signaling to others that they're important.

Next one is trauma.

Past trauma that prevents you from living the life you want.

The secondary gain is... Well, while it's true that cleaning up your trauma using hypnotherapy would make living the life you want easier, it's also true that some people don't want the help because they use their trauma as an excuse to avoid facing their current reality or moving forward.

They can avoid taking responsibility for their present situation, and it provides them comfort and justification for staying miserable, protecting them, from the fear of failure and rejection.

And much like depression and hypochondria, you are getting that positive payoff in a lot of ways too. By hanging on to the trauma, you often get sympathy and compassion.

And there's an underlying fear that if you heal that trauma, then you're giving up the compassion from people and you can't see another way where compassion can find its way into your life.

This next one is hanging on to anger towards someone or like refusing to forgive or let go.

And the secondary gain keeps you in a position of righteousness and maintains emotional leverage over the person.

This prevents the person who wronged you from moving on because you know you've got them, and it reinforces your sense of control and importance.

Think about someone you will not forgive and tell me you don't get some feeling of moral superiority or some feeling of power over them.

It's not easy to admit, but if you dig, you'll see you're getting some kind of gratification from or by not forgiving.

Understanding how secondary gains erode your happiness

And last but not least, blaming external circumstances like your upbringing or societal pressures for your lack of happiness.

The secondary gain is, again, you get to avoid the responsibility of making changes. And thus you avoid fear of failure and disappointment should things not go as planned.

If you're seeing behaviors just on a surface level, a lot of these are going to be hard to stomach.

The very best way to prove to yourself that they are correct is to go deep within yourself, find your own similar behaviors, and through some self-inquiry, be honest with yourself about the payoff you're getting.

And what that means is you're going to have to take the focus off of yourself in that - the reason you aren't forgiving, for example.

The anger that you feel toward them, you're going to have to set that all aside, focus only on the not letting go or you know, or whatever example that you're using.

But focus on that you're not letting go or you're not forgiving. Focus on that.
Not the reason why you're not forgiving. Just 'I refuse to forgive that person' and go into that and see and feel.

What are you getting from that?

I hope by sharing this proof that people do things for themselves, not to you, helps in your effort to take your power back and really embrace that there's nothing wrong with you.

And when in situations where your inner demon tries to sabotage you by believing that things are happening to you because you don't matter and you're worthless. And nothing you do is good enough. And while it calls you stupid and insignificant, you could take a deep breath in and out, smile and be at peace, knowing it's not you.