How to outsmart the voice in your head. The science of self-talk made simple.

Think your inner critic holds the power? Think again. Learn a surprising way to turn self-doubt into laughter and transform negativity into calm confidence.

*This is the written version of 'its not you' podcast episode #55

It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Ever been told that? Ever wanted to tell somebody that?

The impact of tone of voice on communication

To say to somebody, it's not what you say, it's how you say it is implying tone of voice. And I got told that a lot growing up. I took sarcasm to a whole new level.

But looking back and putting myself back in those situations, sarcasm is the only way I knew how to express myself.

Because expressing myself any other way never got heard. I don't even know where I would have learned sarcasm from, to be honest.
But anyway, I did. I got hell for it. And funnily enough, nothing changed.

I remain sarcastic probably into my early thirties. I don't actually remember when I stopped being sarcastic. But what I do remember is having a friend many years later that was, and is still very sarcastic.

How others’ tone reflects their inner world

And it used to make me crazy until I was able to see myself in her, put myself in her shoes and go, okay, that's the place she's coming from. She doesn't mean it to be sarcastic or condescending, the way sarcasm sometimes comes across.

It's just her wounded self. And that's how she expresses it. Because she either doesn't know how to express it any other way, or she tried, like I did, to express it and got shot down.

So I overlook it. But a lot of people don't. And I don't just mean sarcasm. I mean tone of voice. And it could be for a myriad of reasons. You know, it could be that certain tone from your boss reminds you of when you're about to get in trouble from your mom.

I mean, I'm not going to go into all of the reasons, because that's actually really not the point of the podcast. But tone of voice is. And not just the way you speak outwardly.

And we're going to delve into that in a second. What I'm going to present is really interesting and I believe will help you from this day forward for the rest of your life. If you choose to use the tools I'm about to present to you.

But first, I want to talk about...from the perspective of people don't do things to you, they do things for themselves, as it relates to tone of voice.

So there's a couple things here. Tone of voice is in, you know how they say, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder? Tone of voice is more in the ears of the beholder.

So if you're going to get offended by somebody else's words, that's your shit. If somebody else is going to get offended by your words, that's their shit.

You should not have to change the way you speak to appease other people who have not taken the time to clean up their wounds that cause them to be offended or affected in the first place.

Okay?

Now that being said, on the other side of that, we also have kind of a social standard, like a criteria we've accepted when in conversation with others. And sarcasm, for instance, or, you know, tone of voice is a part of that.

In order to be accepted, we have to behave a certain way. i.e. talking respectfully.
And of course, that makes sense for social cohesion. It makes perfect sense. That doesn't mean that we get to dictate to other people because we are a little over sensitive how they should and should not carry their voice.

And the social cohesion is how we've, (the world) has gotten to the place it's gotten because everybody is so scared to be their true selves, really, and just be who they are and say what they want. And by the way, when I say that, I'm not talking about mass chaos.

When people are true to themselves, they are honest, but empathetic and kind and generous, while at the same time speaking their truth. And by their truth, I mean speaking from their beliefs, in their opinions.

It means that they're not scared to disagree. You know, to have a conversation with someone and disagree with somebody else's beliefs and point of view.
That's what makes a functional society, to be able to banter back and forth freely without fear of repercussions.

And as mentioned earlier, the person that wants to instigate the repercussions or consequences for your tone, they are the ones with unhealed wounds, expecting you to change to appease those unhealed wounds.

I want you to remember that the next time somebody gets up in your face about your tone of voice, because it's not about you. It's about them. It's about that tone of voice you're using, reminding them of something that hurt them or pissed them off a long time ago, and they're acting towards you as if you're the one that caused their pain.

If, however, you already know this and you're using that tone intentionally to bait them, well, that's not being your true, authentic self. And if you are, in fact, doing it to bait them, it's not about them.

You're doing it so you feel better inside. I want you to think about that. Think about a time when you intentionally provoked somebody and tell me you didn't do it so you could feel good inside.

This is the way to self-realization, this is the way to becoming your true self. Is to owning these little intricacies of our behavior and, you don't have to admit it to anybody if you don't want to, but it's bringing awareness to it. So, you know, for next time.

Great.

So now you have a couple different perspectives in regards to tone of voice, and that should help you on a day-to-day basis when you're interacting with people. But what about when it's your own inner dialog, your inner demon?

The voices in your head that berate you and taunt you and believe it or not, what feels like it sometimes, ridiculing you, that inner voice that is sarcastic and sloppy and telling you you're good for nothing, you're worthless, you're not good enough.

What then? Well, keep listening. I'm going to give you the exact solution for it in just a minute, while at the same time proving to you that the solution works.

But I want to reiterate something I've already mentioned, because it also applies to your inner voice, your inner demon, your inner dialog, which is what you're hearing inside your head.

The voices that are telling you all these horrible things, they're not you. Those voices are the voices from people in your past that have said these things to you.

And the reason that you hear it over and over again is because for a long time you believed it and you still believe it.

And because we believe something, we accept it as truth, which means those thoughts will keep coming. Whatever we believe has to show up in our life.

Adding to that, the reason the voice is there, the reason people said these things to you, wasn't because of you. It was because of their own self-frustration and disappointment, albeit probably unconscious.

Meaning, they consciously think that you're the problem or thought that you're the problem. But if they were really honest with themselves, they would see that the problem lies within them.

It has nothing to do with you. They're frustrated because maybe you were full of joy and they were miserable and they wanted what you had... you get the picture?

I don't want to belabor this because there could be a thousand reasons, and that's not what this is about.

Okay. So we got that all squared away.

That negative inner voice isn't you

The voices in your head that are berating you are not you. They are not you. These voices have caused us to doubt ourselves, to play small, to shy away, to have less confidence, to lack courage, to interfere in relationships, to make bad decisions.

And most of all, it's what disconnects us from our true self. Because as long as we're listening to that horrible, nattering inner voice, we're not able to hear the voice within.

Now, there are a lot of different ways to deal with the inner voice. What I'm going to show you is just one. It's just one tool. It's easy. It's freaking hilarious. It's easy to implement.

And because it's easy and because it's fun, it'll make you more likely to do it and maybe share it with other people to help them.

First, I'm going to explain it to you. And then I have an audible example of exactly how it works.

When you hear your inner voice, and it's in a tone that makes you cringe or makes you contracted, you stop and you manipulate that inner voice. You have fun with it.

The idea is, you want to make it so the voice is no longer believable.

Diffuse your negative inner voice

And one way you can do that is by making it into a cartoony voice. Or you could take somebody that you distrust and insert their voice to the words you're hearing inside.

And don't tell me you can't do this, because you can. Because you know and I know we've all distorted our mother's voice at some point in time. You know, like when your mother said, "Suzie, it's time for you to go clean the house!!"

And what did you do? (with your nose scrunched, in a squeaky mocking voice, you repeated...) "Oh, Suzie, it's time for you to go clean the house."
And that isn't going to work because it kind of just adds fuel to the fire in that instance.

But you're capable of doing it, and you've done it before. We've all done it before.

So now I'm just asking you to do it for your own well being. So it's taking something harsh that you frequently say to yourself or that you hear in your head and reducing it and neutralizing it by adding a funny voice or a rhyme or using somebody's voice that you don't trust.

I know I'm repeating myself, but repetition is how we learn. Right?

What I've done is I've added a couple of audio clips. The first one is one of the most iconic phrases from a movie in the last 20 years. And the second one is Seth Macfarlane, a comedian, saying that same line in Kermit the frog's voice.

Now, what I want you to do is pay attention to how you feel with the original line and how much lighter it feels when you hear Kermit the frog say the same thing.

Okay, here we go!

(Although you don't have the pleasure of listening to the audio, I'm quite certain you'll have heard the line below.

And as you read the words, you'll be able to hear them in the actor's voice. Same applies to the second audio in Kermits voice).

Audio of iconic phrase:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money.

But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you.

But if you don't, I will look for you. I will find you, and I will kill you."

Isn't that, like, the best line ever?! Now, I know that it's an inspiring line, and it gets us fired up to go conquer the world. But in this example, I just want to show you how simple it is to diffuse that negative voice.

Now, let's listen to Kermit saying a variation of that line.

"I don't have any money. But what I do have, a very specific set of skills. Skills that make me a nightmare for somebody like you.

If you don't let the girl go, I will track you down. I will find you, and I will kill you."

This actually sounds hilarious. And if you see the whole clip, like the real clip, there's a lot of laughter in the background, and it is hilarious.

And that's exactly what you want to do with your inner voice. If your inner voice sounds like 'Taken', which is the movie this clip is from, then what you want to do is the kermit voice or any other ridiculous voice that you can muster up to neutralize the emotion.

You do this enough, and that inner voice will start to peter out. And eventually, it'll either stop or you'll just find yourself laughing or giggling and not have to do it anymore.

So here's what I want you to do if you're willing:

I'm going to play them again back to back. And what I want you to do is think of a common, negative berating thought that you get often. And replace that with the 'Taken'... imagine that is your inner voice.

So think it along with the audio. And then immediately, it'll go right into the kermit voice. And imagine that kermit voice saying your exact words back to you.

Okay, here we go.

Audio of iconic phrase:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money.

But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I've acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you.

But if you don't, I will look for you. I will find you and I will kill you."

Audio of Kermit:

"I don't have any money, but what I do have are a very specific set of skills. Skills that make me a nightmare for somebody like you.

If you don't let the girl go, I will track you down. I will find you and I will kill you."

And there you have it. Same words, two different tones.Two different ways of saying it. Changes your energy, thus changes your response.

That's how easy and fun it could be. Reframing your inner dialog.

Remember, you can pick any tone or any person you want. Maybe you want it to be more dialed back and softer.

(In the podcast I recite these words quietly) "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have any money."

Now with that script, that tone sounds stupid. But that's the point. That's the point! To make your inner voice sound so ridiculous that you can't possibly believe it anymore.

Okay, give it a try.

Send me an email and let me know how much success you're having with this.

And not just success, how much fun you're having with this. Because this is a real treat.