When happiness feels forbidden

When joy feels off-limits, it's time to examine why. In this episode, we explore the guilt around secret happiness and how to embrace what truly lights you up.

*This blog is the written version of 'its not you' podcast episode #42

One of the best and easiest ways to stay in alignment with yourself, to feel more at ease and peace, is to stay in integrity. And that means a lot of things, but specifically for this conversation, being honest with yourself.

Now, instead of going into a big, long description about what I mean, I'm just going to go right to the example.

I had a conversation with somebody the other day who was really, really down in the dumps because her child, grown child, was going to be moving out again.

And it seemed to be on bad terms and she couldn't figure out what she did wrong. So in this conversation, she's just telling me how bad she feels.

She just feels bad...and, what did I do? And just going over and over, of all the things, maybe she could have done this differently and on and on... And really, really felt like she had done something wrong and she's the problem.

Now this conversation could have taken all kinds of different avenues. We could have discussed what she could have done better after having gone through, you know, the ins and outs.

We could have discussed his part in it. We could have discussed why this is affecting her the way it is and what that has to do with past programming.

There's just so many different facets we could have looked at.
What ended up happening was in our conversation, she ended up saying, "You know what? I'm secretly glad this happened'.

Wait, what?

Why did you just spend the last 15 minutes telling me about how bad you feel about yourself. And telling me all the things you might have done wrong.

And how you could have done things better, if you're happy that it happened? Why are you making yourself feel bad if you're happy this happened?

And you know why?

Because she felt like she wasn't supposed to be happy.

She was supposed to feel bad that she was getting her space back. She was supposed to feel bad that she wanted some privacy. She was supposed to feel bad because that's what mothers do. They feel bad.

So when I brought this to her attention, she immediately let go of the blame and the guilt and the shame and just accepted her truth.

She was happy that this was happening and there's nothing wrong with it. But then she did the next thing that causes the next level of suffering. Which is, she began to project her fears right now into the future.

'Well, what if he doesn't come and see me again? What if I'm not allowed to see my grandchild? What if? What if? What if? What if?'

Yeah, what if? That's tomorrow? That's another day. Today you feel good because you were honest with yourself that this isn't working and you don't have to feel bad about it.

How many times have you done this? And you know you've done it. Everybody's done this. Have you ever been secretly grateful that a party got canceled and you pretended to feel really bad about it?

Actually, here's a big one that a lot of people don't understand. Death. Whether it's a family member, a friend, a pet, it doesn't matter. But we've been conditioned to believe that death requires mourning, sadness. And if you're not sad, you're a heartless, soulless monster.

So rather than be true and honest to ourselves and with ourselves, we let somebody else's beliefs decide for us how to act or react. So instead of honoring the way we grieve, which is different than the way somebody else grieves, we try to avoid being ostracized.

And we just go along and do what we're expected to do. Again.
And that is being out of integrity with yourself, and you end up carrying that with you. It becomes an emotional burden.

And emotional burdens often come out through our behaviors. It would be so much easier if we just remained honest with ourselves and honest with others.

After all, everybody has a different set of beliefs and a different worldview. Maybe you don't feel sad because your belief is they're out of pain now and they're going to someplace better.

Because you didn't want to see them in pain anymore, and you just take great relief in knowing they're no longer suffering. And maybe by sharing this, you might be able to provide some relief to another person who's grieving, who thinks they have to behave that way.

Because that's what we do when we grieve, right? (All in air quotes).
Maybe they never really thought of it that way. That, ' look, so and so has been suffering for a long time, and now they're not'. I mean, isn't it selfish for us to want to keep somebody around so we don't have to feel emotional pain?

Isn't it better that they're gone from their physical body so they're not suffering?

Most often, we do what we're programmed and taught to do.

Of course, there's grieving with death, but it's not the same for everyone.
Actually, that just reminds me of what I think would be a great example.

Shortly after my dad passed away, a friend who I hadn't talked to for quite a while text me. So we're talking over text and I let him know that my dad had just passed away.

And he said his mom had passed away that previous summer. Now, there was a lot of contention with his mom, and it's like a lot of families, quite convoluted.

But here's the point I want to make. He said to me, my kids don't know how to feel about it. You see, we're programmed that death, especially death of a family member, means we have to grieve or behave in a certain way.

But if we don't feel like grieving in a certain way, then we feel shame or guilt. Which leads to confusion, convoluted thinking, and it's not necessary. Even if you had a twinge of relief that somebody died because now they're not there to harass you anymore, that's just being honest with yourself.

It doesn't matter. And nobody has a right to tell you otherwise.
This is only about being true to yourself. And one of the ways to do that is by being honest with yourself.

If somebody else doesn't like it, that's too bad. That's their problem, not yours. Now, you don't have to go around and tell everybody every honest thought you ever had, because that doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is that you're being honest with yourself. That you're not feeling one thing and then making yourself feel bad about feeling that thing. These situations can happen in every and any area of your life.

For instance, I had a bridal shower to go to recently and I was trying to figure out how I'm going to do this because it was probably 5 hours away at least, and I had a whole bunch of things to juggle in order to make it.

But I wanted to go. So for weeks I'm trying to figure out how am I going to manage this, and I'm trying to get as creative as I can with solutions. And then one day I get a text that says 'the husband-to-be to be had a huge fight with the family who was hosting the shower. And it's all called off'. And that was that.

And I was like, YES!, YES! And I know that sounds terrible, but it's not about being happy for the drama. I'm being happy for me. It's totally selfish. And selfish or not, that's not the point.

I'm not going to feel bad because I am happy it's canceled. Because I can't figure out yet a plan on how to make it there. And I really wanted to go. So at the very least, I figured it bought me some more time to keep thinking about a creative plan.

But what ended up happening was they moved it to a different venue, which turned out to be closer to me by 2 hours. And that I could figure out a plan to get to the shower.

Now, when you might be thinking, oh, that's really selfish of you to be happy that her shower was canceled because of, you know, a fight with the family. It's not my problem.

Yes, I know that sounds harsh, but really, we make everything our problem when it's got nothing to do with us. And as for being selfish, well, yeah, it was.
And the same with the earlier example of the person whose kid left. And she felt bad, but she really didn't.

You could just also assume that she's selfish. And sure, but what is selfish about being happy, about getting your space back? What is selfish about wanting peace of mind? There's absolutely nothing selfish about it.

It's just that our feelings have been hijacked by social justice warriors and those who want a seat at the do-gooders table. Who think that their opinion on your life matters. And in order to avoid guilt and shame, you should do what society expects of you.

How about no?
How about instead, you lose the guilt and shame and you do what you expect of you?
How about instead, you live in integrity and you be honest with yourself about your truest feelings and live a life you desire?

How about that?
How about you let those miserable people who think their opinion on your life matters - go home and toss and turn all night, while they wake up in the morning trying to control somebody else's life?

And you just live yours in the best way possible, in integrity.
You know, the self-help industry is a multi-billion dollar industry, and it might even be in the trillions now. And a part of the reason that it's failing so many people is exactly this.

Everybody is different.
Everybody has a different way of doing things.
Everybody has different advice for different people.
And everybody who consumes the different advice gets confused and can't hear their own selves talking to them.

Because one book says you should react this way, another book says you should react this way, a third book will say, no, this is how you should deal with it.

And then there's your own feeling about things that are completely whitewashed because you've got so much other input ruminating in your head. And that's not including the information from your friends and your family and your parents.

So it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed and maybe uncertain about how you should feel about something. It's also why you feel guilty. But it's time to stop. You don't have to share with the world what you truly think or truly feel about certain things.

But it is a requirement that you be honest with yourself. And stop taking it to the next level - and be honest with yourself - and then beat yourself up for that honesty.

Just be honest and move on.

"Okay. I feel this way. Okay". You've got to understand - you're not hurting anybody else.

The only person you're hurting is you.

So why would you abuse yourself that way? It doesn't make any sense. If you are happy that your daughter broke up with her boyfriend because you could see the bigger picture, that's okay. You don't have to feel bad about being happy that she's sad.

You're not happy that she's sad. You're happy that she's got another chance at finding somebody more in alignment with her.

You're not happy that somebody you love got fired. You're happy and maybe relieved because you could see that they have so much more potential. And maybe, knowing them, they would have got stuck there.

Look, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what bullshit scenario I put out there. You have a feeling about something. You're programmed that it's not okay to feel that. But scratch the bullshit programming. Feel what you're feeling, and that's it.

Just be honest with yourself.

That's how you feel. Okay. And move on. Go do something else. Don't drag in all of the guilt and shame and bad feelings, because you "should be feeling this".

No. You should be feeling only what you're actually feeling.There. Hopefully, I saved you a whole half a day of beating yourself up.

This is also acceptance.

Accepting you for you.
Accepting your feelings for what they are.
Just accepting it for what it is reduces suffering.

I mean, if you think about it, feeling one way, or like the first example I gave, "Well, I feel like I should have done something different, or maybe I did something wrong". Versus "But secretly I'm happy about it". She's creating suffering.

Where might you be creating suffering in your life unnecessarily? Because you think you're feeling is 'wrong', or you think you 'shouldn't' feel something?

This is suffering. Just accept what is and let it go. Remember, you're not at a job where you have to justify your actions. This is all going on in your own head. You don't have to justify to yourself why you're feeling a certain way.

I don't know if this will be a good example or not, but think about it this way. When you go to eat something and you don't like it, do you go over the 101 reasons why you don't like it and the 101 reasons why you should like it? Or do you just say I don't like it and I'm not eating it again?

This acceptance alone will cut your suffering probably down in half because you probably - I'm going to say - lie to yourself - more than you think you do. So if you're up for it, try to pay attention to what your deepest thoughts are.

Don't lie to yourself anymore. That's creating a lot of the angst that then turns into negative behaviors. Again, you don't have to tell anybody. So how about it? Will you stop making yourself feel bad about things you shouldn't feel bad about?

Remember, that's just old programming from other people and how they think you should behave or feel about certain things. So let it go and stay in integrity by being honest with yourself.

Now, there's one more and final thing I want to throw in here. You know how I always say people don't do things to you, they do things for themselves? Well, reflecting on a few of the examples I gave, one could say our feelings are selfish.

Like me being happy the bridal shower got canceled. Or the other one being - she was happy her son was moving so she could get her space back, her privacy, her peace of mind.

As stated earlier, it's not selfish to want thing good things for yourself. But as it relates to people don't do things to you, they do things for themselves...the son was leaving for himself. She took it personal before admitting that she was secretly happy this was happening.

She was making it about her when it wasn't about her at all. The same as her being happy he was leaving is not about him It's about her wanting peace of mind. The same applies to my incident with the bridal shower. My being happy that it was canceled wasn't about her at all. It was about me for me.

And I do not have to and I will not justify that to anybody, and you don't have to either. (By the way, I did tell the bride I was happy and I told her why. So it's all good).

I hope that by sharing those two examples, it'll make it easier for you to reflect on both...times when you have done things for yourself, but also when others have. And you maybe made it about you when it wasn't.