Why the same problems keep showing up in your life (And how to finally break the cycle)
Discover why the same issues keep resurfacing in your life. Learn to recognize hidden patterns, uncover their root causes, and finally break free from the cycle.
*This is the written version of 'its not you' podcast episode #52
Do you ever wonder why you get triggered? Or do you wonder where triggers come from?
And more importantly, do you ever wonder how to get rid of your triggers?
Well, that's what we're going to talk about in this episode.
But first, I'm going to show you how triggers originate using an example of a physical trigger.
I want you to imagine as a child playing with your friends. Let's say you were in the rafters of a barn and you fell, and somehow you got severe nerve damage in your arm.
And every day since then, while you've tried to mitigate that pain, it never fully went away. Now imagine as an adult, you're shopping in a busy store, and somebody bumps into you, into that sensitive arm, causing you to shriek in pain.
And you turn around and you lash out at that person who bumped into you, as if they caused the problem.
A couple things I'm highlighting here. One, that is a physical trigger. And when it hurts, you can remember exactly where the origins are. You know exactly how it happened, why it happened, and why it hurts when it gets touched.
And two, we're talking also, of course, the theme of the podcast is 'it's not you.' And people do things for themselves, not to you.
So the other person that you just yelled at is going to be very defensive and offended. Because how the hell are they supposed to know that you have this damage in your arm?
So therefore it's not about them. And your reaction to them was also not about them. It was you releasing that excruciating pain.
Now, that example, of course, is a physical example of a trigger. Someone touches my arm, I feel pain, I get triggered.
That should give you a baseline understanding of how emotional triggers work, which is what we're talking about here.
The main difference is with emotional triggers:
Most of us don't understand how our triggers from childhood manifest into adulthood.
And I say childhood because most of our triggers as adults are from our childhood. You see, emotional triggers become stored in the nervous system through repeated exposure to stressful events or traumatic experiences during childhood.
These experiences create their own neural pathway, which then embeds the emotional response into your nervous system.
And the nervous system is like the body having a memory. Over time, this response gets conditioned, and you react to similar stimuli as an adult.
Even when the original threat is no longer present.
This creates an automatic unconscious response that are tied to past pain. Making these reactions feel intense and immediate, as if the past is happening all over again.
The problem with that is people often don't know why they're triggered. Because, as I say, using the comparison of the physical example I gave, you can always trace back to the origins where that physical pain came from.
We often can't trace back with accuracy where the emotional pain came from. You'd be surprised in hypnosis sessions how people come in certain they know the root of their issue and where it originated.
And in the session, we find out the origin was someplace they never expected.
Which may explain why people have been unable to heal those triggers, or in some cases, unwilling to. But it's understandable.
If you don't know what to look for, and that, combined with we are programmed to believe that what's happening around us, we should be controlling, then logically, it makes sense that if things aren't going the way we plan for them, for instance, we get triggered.
And we conclude it must be an outside problem. But it's not.
No matter how awful someone is to you, no matter how badly you're treated, no matter how poorly the government disrespects you, no matter what, the problem always lies within.
How do you know that? Because...
Triggers are personal...
And what bothers you doesn't bother the guy sitting beside you.
So how do you know what your triggers are? Well, you're going to have to discover what sets you off, what ticks you off, what sends you in a rage.
What are the things that trigger an emotional response or reaction from you?
And then you'll need to do some self-inquiry. If you don't want to get hypnosis, which is much faster and less daunting, then self-inquiry is the way to go.
First, when you feel the reaction bubbling up, don't knee-jerk it and go off. Instead, wait and ask yourself, what am I feeling right now?
That's the first part of the inquiry. After you get an answer there, then ask yourself, when have I felt this way before?
Now, this is a part of module two of my course Slay Your Inner Demon. And these are two out of the five self-inquiry questions that will help you bring awareness to your triggers so you can live with more peace in your life.
This is a topic that many people have a hard time wrapping their heads around because our responses to these triggers have been widely accepted.
In other words, most people would react the same way that you're reacting, and so you have no reason to question it.
You have no reason to think that it's a trigger, because this reaction to an external event has become normalized. And because it's become normalized, you've done it with such repetition that it becomes an automatic response.
So to try to be super clear, I'm going to do a quick recap of the similarities between the physical and emotional triggers.
The physical trigger, when it gets triggered, when you get hit in the arm, you know where that pain originates. So you also know when you respond to getting triggered, that it has nothing to do with that other person.
It's an old wound that didn't heal properly.
Same with the emotional trigger. When something is presented to us and it hits us, that is the area that hasn't been healed. But most often, we don't know that. We really do think it's the other person causing our pain.
And it goes even deeper than that. Most of the things that we say cause us pain...pretty much all of humanity would agree that you have the right to be, hurt or angry or resentful about XYZ.
But we don't.
We're taking things too personally. And again, taking things personally is subjective, because what bothers me will not bother you.
So what about something bothers me? Or what about something bothers you? That's where, again, where the self-inquiry comes in.
Go back. When was the first time I felt this? And nine times out of ten, it's from your childhood.
To bring this to life, I'm going to share an example of a conversation I had this week that was kind of the impetus to do a podcast on triggers. Because it just showcased where everybody gets stuck.
And I believe the nature of this example will really help you see how easy it will be to apply in any day-to-day interactions you may have.
So typically, when I discuss emotional triggers, I would use examples from our everyday lives, things we encounter regularly. However, this example isn't a part of our daily experience...
...Attending a funeral.
So while it's not a common scenario, it highlights emotional triggers in a way that's deeply relatable. By understanding how we react in such a sensitive and intense moment, we can better manage our triggers in more familiar day-to-day situations.
There was a funeral that my friend attended, and it was someone very, very, very close to her. The parents of the deceased are also very, very, very close to her. Now, she wasn't made aware of anything going on after the funeral.
And the parents of the deceased, who she's very close to, (I'm sorry, I have to be really vague), she got the impression that they were trying to move her along to go home.
But in the meantime, she heard from the boyfriend of the deceased that there was something taking place after the funeral. So my friend was a little confused that the parents were shooing her along to go home and didn't tell her about the after-event.
She was watching them and listening to them and she could see something was off and something was going on that shouldn't be because they're very, very close.
But that's what it was.
So I'm not going to get into all of the other events, but that's the summary of it, is, she got the idea that based on their actions and words, they wanted her gone. They did not invite her, which is very, very strange, to this after-event.
And it's been bothering her for a year!
Having heard the whole story and you might even come to the same conclusion that, yes, that was wrong of them. That if they're that close and everything was fine up until the death, why the hell would you not include them, (her and her husband), at such a meaningful moment in time?
In talking with her, I had her blank out all the meaning she was giving to this little situations and the things that were said and done. Blank all of that out and go within.
I asked her what was she feeling when that happened?
And she said, rejected.
Second thing I asked her, when has she felt rejected before?
And she said, all through her childhood. And it was done mostly by people she was very, very close to, including family.
So regardless of what happened at that funeral, she was projecting her old fears and being triggered from her unhealed wounds onto the people and the situation in front of her when it had nothing to do with her at all.
This isn't about blaming her. And I told her as much. It's not about blame. Really, it's about taking responsibility.
Because we take ourselves everywhere we go.
If we don't heal our wounds, it doesn't matter where we go, or how many new friends we have. We're still going to get triggered by the same things.
It's us. We need to heal.
We can't expect others to change for us because we refuse to heal our old wounds. Of course, that goes for other people who scream and yell and demand that we be someone we're not to accommodate and acclimate to their old wounds.
There will be people that will fight me on this, and I know because I've had it happen to me and I was that person.
"But this happened. And I have every right to be mad. It's just not right!"
Not right for who? Like I said, it's subjective. Somebody else, it would not bother. Somebody who is at peace, which is what we're going for here. Which is why we're talking here today, wouldn't or won't be fazed by something like that happening.
I know what you might be thinking.
It is hard to fathom what peace is actually like when we keep getting caught up in our triggers. When all we've ever known is to respond to external events and to react to our triggers.
It's a program. We're programmed to do that. We have no idea what peace is like. So it seems really hard to believe that someone could just easily walk away from a situation like that, that would have the consensus from almost everybody that they have the right to behave that way - to react that way.
But it's true.
When you're at peace, peace means more to you than being right or being validated.
And it's not about turning the other cheek and sucking it up.
It's that it genuinely doesn't bother you because there's no trigger anymore.
Look at it this way.
Think of somebody that you know, that something that pisses them off, that doesn't bother you at all, and just think about them and how they get triggered. And how they react to that trigger.
And you're watching it, not phased at all. That's the difference between having a wound and reacting to it and not having a wound and being at peace with what's going on in front of you.
Here's what I tell people who are committed to healing their triggers.
Be grateful that this has been presented to you and treat it like a beautifully wrapped gift.
Because now you know what part of you still needs to be healed. Now that you know it's an internal issue and not an external, it's got nothing to do with anybody or anything...
Not only will you really start to recognize that, in fact, people don't do things to you, they do things for themselves.
And what they do is not about you at all.
But also you gain your power back. And what does Spiderman say? "With great power comes great responsibility."
The only responsibility you have is to living your best life.